Tuesday, March 21, 2006


I remember my former Indian roommate, Deepa, said: "Tiwi, I miss Ujwal so much it hurts." We were in the Meadows in San Marcos, TX, away from our husbands, mine in Indonesia, Deepa's in Dallas. She was still lucky, being able to seen her husband every other week, at least. And I had to end up fantasizing about what mas Prapto was doing without me around.

Longing really hurts, and I know exactly what Deepa meant when she cried, thought outloud. Well, at least, we had each other. But who would bear the painful loneliness? Even in the middle of an exam, his face was like a ghost trailing behind me.

Ugh... that was more than two years back, but why is it that I can still feel the thrilling, yet hurting longing whenever I look into his eyes, now that he's always by my side?


Hari-hari ini rinduku menggunung,
bagai semut berbaris tak nampak buntut;
Dinginnya salju membakar sukma,
Panas api menggigilkan raga.

Saat sulit kutahan rinduku seperti kini,
kututup mataku meninggalkan bayangmu;
Namun titik-titik di kertas ujian menjadi senyummu,
hantumu tak jua henti mendirikan kudukku.

Tak ada yang lebih memerihkan,
selain ketakmampuan menembus lorong hati;
tak ada yang lebih memabukkan
kecuali asa di kanal tak berujung.

Rabb yang membolak-balik hati,
pantaskah kutanya kenapa cintaku seperti ini;
Yaa Rahman yaa Rahiim
kenapa kasih ini tak henti meluluhkan sendi.

San Marcos, TX
September 2003


putri said...

hay mam..i'm reni dwi jayanti p.
uh..so sweet poem...i love this poem..what the poem is talking about is the same with what i feel now.yeah,,it seems endless when we asked to describe our feeling when we really miss someone.the thing what we want only is meeting him/her.what ever we do, his shadow never leave us.but, the thing is when we are not allowed to meet him because of certain reason,,when we want to meet him but we can't make it rel, it really hurt our heart...but in that condition in our consciousness,we try to understand that we have to be patient since the conditions still doesn't allow us to meet.we try to do manythings to cover our "missing". but, however,we also can't avoid when our unconsciousness comes suddenly and say,"oh my God,,,i really miss him.. really want to meet him i can't guarantee that tomorrow i am still able to breath without him in my side"...and the fact say that we are separated now...i think it's really hard for us to stand between the consciousness and the unconsciousness....how suffered we are when we are in such condition..it also what i see in your poem mam...,"Tak ada yang lebih memerihkan,
selain ketakmampuan menembus lorong hati;
but...the power of missing it self also become the thing which make us keep having great expectation to meet him...
in this such condition, we also usually realize that God as the owner of everything will answer whatever we ask, He has all answer of all our question...we believe that God will make possible of our meeting with him through beautiful way and the perfet occasion...someday..that's belong to our consciousness...
mam...your poem make me cry...really...

adisi said...

Wow ma'am...how a wonderful poem.. i love it so much (merinding)...i feel that i can imagine how deep your missing to your lovely husband but there are so many reason that separated both of you. But I can't see your stronger too in this poem, you.. even your feeling is so hurt by the missing, but you kept fighting to live in that country, to finish your study well as soon as possible so you could meet your love sooner. How beautiful feeling that yours. and i think your husband will be very proud of you, to know that his wife love him so much, and how a deep feeling that you has for him.. even both of you is separated by a far distance.
how deep the missing that you ever feels till that feeling still effect to you today, it arise when you see his eyes...its so sweet... i wanna cry when read and feels this poem.. hopefully there are no other situation that will separated both of you anymore..
And i think even today you still could feel that feeling.. you'll be more better, because now he is closed to you. You can see him everyday in your life.
I really pray to the happiness for both of you till the end of your time...amen....

Adisi Marieddyah
English literature'06 (B class)

Anonymous said...

mam.. you have spilled out all ur longing to you beloved persons through the poem....
i heard it is good to do this way,
i can feel what u feel when we are on the top of longing, then it hurts terribly...

canal flows the water, and water is associated to the life..
so, you expect for the life that can flow u like a canal...
(is my interpretation correct MAm?hehe)

As what Reni feels, I feel a longing tortures over me where I do not know what to do to throw it away, so that I post this comment since we are in similar atmosphere.
but, probably ur feeling was more torturing since u were distant from husband and lovely children.hem, I never imagined this would happen to me. feeling like a stranger in other nation,,,cowboy nation you call it...
but ur family is also great, Mam, especially your husband who handles all households while u were away.
fortune is around you to have him, and luck is with him to possess a faithful woman like you.